Comparison Is The Thief Of Joy

Thursday, October 17, 2013

Maybe I need some space, maybe I need some time, maybe I need a break. I got the results for my last two subjects. One was very shitty, and the other was much, much better. I kinda got over my Chemistry grade, and I was rather happy with my GP grade, but then mom just had to text me during my math lecture saying "You're such a disappointment". That really ruined my mood, but thankfully I was quite alright by the time the double period math lecture ended. My grades are better than it was for mid-years. I mean, it really sucks to have your mom compare you to your best friend. I mean, yes, I'm not as smart as her, but do you really have to compare us all the time? Do you have to rub it in my face that I'm stupid, or that I didn't study hard enough, or that she's definitely gonna promote and I have a chance of retaining? She's someone else's child, so let her mother be proud of her. Shouldn't you at least console me for my grades, instead of saying that I'm a disappointment? Thanks a lot, mom. Whatever. LKM brightened up my group's day, I think. We had amazing feedback about our WR Draft 4, and we're almost done, so I'm jumping for joy internally. The deadline for OGL sign-ups was earlier at 6pm but I decided not to sign up. I'm definitely going to regret this, like Fayy said, but there are other things - like my sanity - that I have to prioritise. 

I've concluded that sleeping earlier somehow makes me even more exhausted in the morning. I could barely stay awake so I just had to take a nap during my break. In the time I was asleep, Eli managed to get my phone and texted Nabs, as well as change my lock screen to a picture of her with Xinying. I still need at least eight hours of sleep for me to function properly, apparently, so I should be sleeping at 10pm but I really don't think it's working out. I don't really know what to blog about anymore. I've even lost interest in blogging, I think. What's the point of documenting my thoughts and feelings... it gets pretty depressing anyway, and nobody likes a whiny bitch.

I need to start saving up. I want enough money to just run away someday. Fly off to another country, just enjoy the world and not give a shit about anything. I've always wanted to do that. But I'm scared, I'm always scared. I'm a coward who can't do anything and everything I want. I'm too afraid to chase my dreams, so I just keep dreaming. 

Anyway, it's less than a month until school closes, and only thirty-two days until I leave for Japan for the photog trip. Ah, speaking of photog, I have to take a picture/ find a picture based on the theme "home" and it's due Sunday so ugh I have to do something. I can't wait for the school term to be over. 

When the multi-storey carpark is finally complete, I hope to be able to go there with a mat/sleeping bag and just go stargazing. It's literally less than 50 metres away from my house, so that wouldn't be so bad. My sister said that we'd need a card to access the car park though - and only residents of Pasir Ris One will have that "card", like geez - they're still HDB flats right, what's up with the exclusivity? Maybe there'd be some hot neighbour and I could borrow the card from him anytime I want to go stargazing haha. I just want to do something nice, for once.  A picnic by the beach, or stargazing at a quarter to three in the morning, spending my entire day in the library, or a day in bed watching chick flicks or tv shows. Ugh I don't know anymore, I don't want to think.

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