A Sense Of Direction

Monday, December 09, 2013

I'm jealous of people who have ambition. They what they want to be in the future, so they have goals and a sense of direction in life. The little bitch wants to be a doctor, Farah wants to be an economist, Nabs wants to be a paediatrician, Fayy wants to be an architect and it's all so wonderful to know what you want. While I'm just... doing whatever to get through the year, every year. I just want direction in life, something big to aim for. A major life goal. Like how Zoe (from Hart of Dixie) has been working her ass off to become a cardiothoracic surgeon and it's that kind of determination that I want to have. But without motivation and an end goal, how do I get there? I know people always say that life is about the journey, not the destination. But if I don't know where that destination is, then the journey would be pointless, right? It's frustrating. I remember during orientation, Nasrul who was my AGL (God, I swear I miss my Triton day(s)), asked me what subject combi I was planning to take and when I said BCME, he said that that's the "doctor" combination and at that moment, I was thinking that wow, maybe I could be a doctor. But then lectures and tutorials started and immediately, I knew it was unrealistic to even dream of being a doctor. I was never smart to begin with. I was always lingering somewhere at the bottom of the cohort. I did quite okay during my first couple of years in primary school. Top in Malay, 2nd/4th in class. Then I got to upper primary and had difficulties with science. Graduated primary school with a PSLE aggregate of 243 and AA*AB and I forgot what grade I got for Higher Malay. Dad chose TKGS for me and I dreadfully attended school and it was shitty knowing how stupid I am. I don't study much, I've always been a slacker. Always being the last few in class for exams. And finally after a lot of last-minute studying (I was watching Vampire Diaries like 3 weeks before my O Levels, c'mon), I got an L1R5 of 12 (raw) That's 7As and 2Bs. Minus CCA and HMT points, I got an L1R5 of 8. And I managed to get into MJ. I was so happy because I loved it here. I loved that it's so close to home. But studies... I'm a total failure. I'm so terrified of 2014 because it's probably gonna be the hardest ever - obviously - and with my lack of motivation, I'm so scared that it'll all go to waste. That I'm gonna screw it up and end up as nothing. A complete waste of space. A flaw in the universe.

I've been doing research about universities. I always tell myself that I don't know what I want in life, and that I don't even want to be in university, but I find myself doing research, what the hell! I really just want to get out of here, out of Singapore. But I'm not sure I'm welcome overseas either. With the amount of racism and xenophobia, I'm almost certain I won't be accepted in any other place. Singapore is my home, and as much as I hate the weather, I just have to stay. 

I'll make another post later. Or not. Maybe. 

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