Tomorrow Will Be Better

Monday, October 31, 2016

Happy Halloween! Totally getting reminded of the Halloween party Sid had a few years back. That was really fun. It was my first (and unfortunately last) trick-or-treating experience and you could just see all the adults totally judging all of us that weren't ten years old. Eli dressed up as the Black Swan, Sid was probably Jigsaw from Saw, XY was a fairy, Nabs was probably a witch and I was an ugly vampire - with a cape and fake blood and all #dedicated Ahhh good times.

I'm supposed to be asleep right now and wake up at 6am for school but I'm not... feeling it. In fact I haven't been really feeling up for anything recently? It's been a terrible past few days actually except for Friday night with S and Sara's sister's wedding. The entire week was just... a blur. I don't think my head was really there. I mean it really sucks travelling all the way to school and then just not learning anything even if I tried my hardest to focus. I've been feeling hollow, is that the appropriate word? God I'm so inarticulate. The self-hatred has been really overwhelming the past couple of weeks. I thought it was bad enough already and then suddenly it just got worse.  I think what people don't get is that the hate isn't just for one thing, it's not just about my appearance - even though that's probably the bulk of it - it's everything, it's stress from school, it's my inability to be good at anything, it's my crippling fear of pretty much everything, it's the lack of sleep, or too much sleep, it's the lack of motivation to do anything - even getting out of bed takes hours, it's the inability to focus on anything, it's the struggle of getting myself to study even though I know I need to, it's my head telling me I can skip today's workout and do it tomorrow, and then my head telling me I'm a worthless fat fuck, it's me thinking over and over again all the criticisms, all the insults I've gotten my entire life, it's me remembering all my failures, it's me spending away my life/childhood savings within a year of getting access to my account, it's me thinking about how bleak my future is, it's the crying for no reason at all, it's feeling so goddamn lonely when I know I have friends and a boyfriend who loves me, it's feeling so hated by my parents even though everyone says they love me but I just. don't. feel. it. It's feeling stupid and ugly and repulsive and worthless and not believing a single compliment because how could it ever be true? It's the disappointment of working hard and failing, it's the struggle or even just pure reluctance to get up when I've hit rock bottom because what's the point? It's when breathing gets hard and I feel suffocated but it's okay because who needs to breathe anyway? It's when my fists are clenched because if they aren't, people would see my hands shaking - but I tell myself I'm not an earthquake and I'm not falling apart, so clench your fists and don't let them see. It's staring at the ceiling in a dark room from midnight to 4am before falling asleep and having to wake up at 5am for an 8am class I won't learn anything in. It's waiting for the next time I see my boyfriend because he's the only person who makes me happy. It's being afraid that people will leave me eventually because I'm a black hole and there's nothing good I can offer. It's avoiding mirrors or glass doors or pretty much any reflective surface because I'm disgusted by myself. It's thinking my struggles aren't valid because some people have it harder. It's being up to date with over ten TV series at any one time because that's the best escape from my own mind. It's just... everything. It feels like forces coming from every direction, forming a huge fiery ball of hate just threatening, just waiting to explode. So yeah... I hate that I'm like this. 
I hope I will feel better soon. This is really tiring. I just wanted to type that all out. 

If you've read everything up to this point, thanks for reading. I hope this post didn't bum you out. I hope you love yourself and shower yourself with positive thoughts every second of every day. I hope you have genuine smiles and laughter. I hope (if you can) that you'll tell yourself and believe that you deserve everything good in life. Be strong and keep smiling. 

I love you x

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  1. I am allergic to negative vibes in my life, this post is awesome, I really love myself because i believe i have to love myselfd before anyone else does, that is why i can afford to have a genune bright smile on my self.