Try Hard(er)

Sunday, March 05, 2017

It's been four months since my last post. I'm literally doing everything else instead of working on my essay. I promise, I'll start on it tonight. So... a lot of things happened in the past four months. The most significant being my first ever trip to Europe - I went to Zurich and Geneva in Switzerland, Paris & London. A lot of bad things happened during the trip but it was so beautiful. I hope to travel more someday. I really want to go to Australia soon. I really want to go to Gold Coast, I really hope I'd be able to within the next five years. 

Winter Wonderland was amazing despite it being rather expensive
School has been... a bore. I go to school once a week for my tutorial/lab and that's it. Everything feels so mundane. I'm only taking four modules this semester because I thought I'd work my ass off and get straight As to pull my GPA up but I've been in such a funk the past seven weeks, really. I wish I took up an elective so I could keep myself busy and at the same time finish the course requirement of two electives. Oh well, it's too late to regret things I suppose. I tell myself never to regret any decisions made because at one point, I really wanted it. And yes, I really wanted the free time this semester, so I really shouldn't complain about being left alone with all my feelings.

I've been struggling a lot recently with the self-hatred, self-esteem issues and general hopelessness. I feel highly unmotivated and aimless. I dread school... I dread the thought of my very bleak future. I feel like I'm not really living - and I don't even know if I want to live. Having all these dreams of traveling to all the beautiful places in the world, living in my dream home, being content with my future job, losing weight and being happy with my body..... I keep doubting if all of it is worth it. Will I ever truly be content? Is that too much to ask for? I feel so unhappy all the time. Unhappy is an understatement. 

I think I've reduced my food intake, and increased my frequency of exercise so I hope I will gradually lose some weight. Sigh, I don't think it's working though. I'm really excited for July because I have zero plans which means I can focus solely on my weight loss/fitness. I'm really dreading May and June though. Two months (*7 weeks to be specific*) of clinicals. It's only a week longer than last year and I really hated last year. I was left traumatised and I know it sounds like I'm exaggerating but I swear, I'm emotionally scarred because of it and I sometimes cry thinking about how bad it was. This time, however, I would have 4 weeks O&G/Paediatrics, 1 week Operating Theatre & 2 weeks Medical/Surgical. So that would be 4 weeks at KK Hospital and 3 weeks at (possibly) KTPH. Traveling to Yishun everyday for 15 days sounds like such a chore but I really hope it'd be better than CGH. It's pathetic how the closest hospital (in terms of travel time) after CGH is KTPH. In Yishun. Wish me luck.

I hope I'll find the will to live someday. Now it feels like I'm only alive because I'm not dead. 

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