The train just left Kembangan. I'm on my way home alone from town because Farah went off to meet Shasha. I've been thinking a lot the past few days because well, what else is there to do? (Don't say study) I had my first CA on Monday, it was an e-assessment with fifty-two MCQ and we had one and a half hours. I finished it in a half hour and spent the next twenty minutes checking my answer and waiting for Vic to be done with hers so we could leave the lecture theatre. It turns out that she had been waiting for me too lol oh well. Anyway, I got my stethoscope on Monday as well and now I'm beginning to think that it's a boring colour. I went home with Nadiah and had dinner at Gelaré at White Sands. Farah came by to join us too! That was nice.

Tuesday was a strange day. It was all okay, really. We had our FON tutorial, then we lab. We were learning about the nasogastric tube. I pretty much suck at the entire procedure. I went for lunch with Vic but I didn't eat much at all. Then we headed for comms tutorial and that was when everyone started asking me if I was okay. That was weird. Vic insisted I tell her what happened, but nothing happened so I kept telling her that. Even Dr Shefaly asked me if I was okay. She said that I wasn't my usual smiley self and I seemed quiet and down. I was okay. We were doing the role playing, as always in comms tutorial. Yee Yean and I were the last pair to do our interview and I had prepared for it by doing research and shit so we went out and I started asking her questions and halfway through my mind just blanked. I couldn't think of anything and I was right in front of the entire class and like I'm cool with all my classmates so why would I just blank out like that? I panicked, of course and just started heating up - my blood was probably starting to boil - and I just muttered "Oh my god, what am I supposed to say... Oh god, oh my god" and that went on for what seemed like forever before I just asked "Do you have anything else to share with me?" And she said no so I just went like "Thank you for your time, I'll call you when the doctor's ready to see you" and the class clapped and I got the feedback. I don't think anyone mentioned me just freezing right there. It was just how my questions weren't building up to anything and how my posture was pretty tense or something. Dr Shefaly said I wasn't in the right mood. Class ended then so I went home with Serene. She was heading off to SMU to study with her sister so she left me at City Hall. It's always nice to talk to her, I feel. Wow that was the weirdest sentence structure ever. I went home and changed into my usual t-shirt and shorts and got in bed to watch Joe Sugg play The Walking Dead on Xbox. I'm pretty addicted. I got an email from Dr Shefaly which said that she hopes I'm feeling better and that I wasn't my usual self at tutorial and that she was concerned so she dropped me an email. She proceeded to say that no matter what happened, I should stay focused and keep moving. She ended it with "Stay awesome!" I'm incredibly grateful to have her as one of my teachers in university. I've literally never had a teacher who's so caring and understanding. NOTHING HAPPENED ON TUESDAY THOUGH so I just replied that I'm alright and thanked her for being the best teacher 5ever.

Dr Shefaly replied again in the morning saying she's glad I'm okay 😂 So I woke up pretty early on a non-school day and got ready and headed to JCube with Farah because we wanted to go for the free iceskating because it's free today for all university students but when we reached there, it was fully redeemed because it's only limited to the first 800 per day?? Then we walked around JCube which had nothing so we went to town and I didn't buy anything and so we left and now I'm home and today was pointless lol

I haven't talked much to the guy I have a crush on in like... two days or specifically like 35 hours or something hahahah I know I should probably initiate conversations but I'm so bad at that unless I already know someone a few weeks at least, you know?? I mean I've known him for quite a long time but we haven't like spent time together physically/irl lol WTV I'M PATHETIC I need to stop crushing on guys who won't ever like me back. He's probably studying or doing assignments or some shit. I should do my assignments too.

---- I'm home now and it's 9:10pm

Vic and I are gonna Skype later for our presentation next week!! I should probably try to finish my assignments asap. Yassar finished all the assignments we have already?!?!? So fast right?? Some of my classmates haven't even started. 

Anyway I've been using Spotify a lot recently?? Because I have that premium trial that's gonna expire late October so I decided to try it out and I like it!!!! I made two playlists that I really like!! 

Kthxbai

This is going to be a quick blog entry because I want to try to finish my NUR1114 assignment today and get started on anatomy/physiology revision. I've been slacking so much. Anyway in nursing, a lot of emphasis is placed on reflection so I've been thinking more than I usually do, if that's even possible. I'm always thinking or overthinking shit. I've been thinking a lot about what a friend said and I told him that I think your self-worth lies with you. I feel like I should be "good enough" for myself, by my own standards. Nobody should be able to tell me what I'm worth. If I feel that I'm the very best version of myself and I'm good enough for myself, then that should be good enough for the people around me. 

Right now I'm struggling with self-hatred and it's difficult to get to the stage where I like myself or accept myself because I've been taught to hate my body or the way I am throughout my teenage years. I feel that it's extremely important to be okay with myself because then nobody can put me down. I hope I achieve that soon. You know that quote, "You can't truly love someone else until you love yourself." I personally find that stupid because I love hard and I love a lot and I've always loved other people more than I love myself so how can that quote be true? 

I've decided that I'm better than they deserve. They never admit their faults, they're always just pointing out mine. I'm a good person, I am. And I try to be better all the time. It's just sad that you choose to dwell on the bad stuff all the time. I think I deserve better than that. Do you even know what you're doing to me? You don't think... you never do. 

I'm miserable.

And I just want it to end.
I want to be happy.

... Don't I deserve that?

So I have a crush on a boy. It's pretty new, I guess. It's just been a few weeks. I've been staring at this page for ten minutes thinking of what to write but I can't seem to think straight. He's really funny and smart and witty and I don't know, I don't know why I literally just started liking him. Why now? Why not three months ago? Or last year? Ugh I sound like such a five year old right now, I'm sorry. I rarely never see him in school, but that's expected because we're in different faculties and university is huge as hell. 

I guess I'm intrigued. I want to get to know him. That's easier said than done because I'm incredibly shy and also super awkward with anyone who I'm not close to. And I tend to fall for the shy type too, what a joy. So Farah once said - okay, not once, she tells me this many many times - "you'll never get what you want unless you ask" I tweeted that today. What I want is... you. It's bizarre because technically I don't even know you, like at all (unless social media and everything on the internet counts... probably not) I feel like maybe I'm not good enough? Not smart enough? Not pretty enough? Not skinny enough? Do you think about all that? What's your type? I'll never know. 

I wish I could detach my heart from my brain right now. I feel like I feel too much, and I think too much as well. It's like I'm always on overdrive. This is probably the shortest post in quite awhile, I don't know how to put how I'm feeling into words. Summary: I'm interested af, but shy af

Tip: don't fall for boys who probably won't make the first move if you're shy

I have fallen sick. I rarely fall sick. Now my throat hurts, my nose is running like a tap & I have headaches. Thankfully, there's no school till next Monday. I'm stressing over my FON assignment - that's Fundamentals of Nursing for anyone who doesn't know and I'm doing hardcore research haha but it's alright I think I'm just going to close all those tabs and continue the assignment another day. It's going well!

Let's see what happened today. I reached school early and then sat at MD6 Level 4 (they have a sofa and a few soft chairs there hehe) until 9:50 before I headed to my tutorial downstairs. It was kinda boring and my topic with Vic this week is confirmatory tests for both types of stroke and the hospital protocols for this kind of stuff. We had lab after that and it was all about oral hygiene and feeding so that was boring. Wow I think everything is boring. After lab, we all went to the ALCNS building to collect our uniforms, scrubs and nametag. I look............ ok. (I'm slowly learning to not self-hate so deal with me, guys) Dina looks so good in her uniform and scrubs, I'm so jealous. I'll put in a picture of me in all the uniforms after this. I went for lunch with Vic and then we just hung out a bit before heading back to MD6 for comms tut. I actually completely adore Dr Shefaly: her confidence, her humility - just like her entire being hahaha, she's so kind. We ended early at like 5:30pm and she said she'll continue ending early for us as long as we finish what we're supposed to do!! I wanted to go home with Serene since she's my only Pasir Ris bud and she was skipping hokkien class but she needed to drop by UHC to do something so I just headed off first!! Met Yassar and Charmaine on the way down the stairs and I was walking with them and then suddenly Char went into the NUH building then in my head I was thinking like oh she needs to drop by a shop or something?? (I WAS SO BLUR HERE sorry I was like half-awake) then I asked Yassar where he's going and he said he was meeting a friend so I was like "Okay I'll walk with you" since it was heading towards Kent Ridge anyway then he asked "Where are you going?" so I replied "Home" then he's like "Then why don't you go with Charmaine? She's going to the MRT" so I was just like stunned there I don't even know what was going on with me then I was like "Oh bye" then ran off towards Charmaine and she basically thinks I'm a goondu now probably ah but anyway I'd rather walk outside than inside NUH after school so that explains my initial decision to walk with Yassar okay? Okay, I'm a goondu. I've never used that word. GOONDU. I stood on the train all the way till Kallang or something then sat and slept all the way back. I feel so unwell I just wanna curl up in bed and sleep or use my phone. I'll most likely do that after this. 

Weight loss journey for me is ongoing I can do this!!! I hope there's progress this time. I've had so many failed attempts because I never really had the willpower? But now I'm like frickin determined to do this sia. I need to lose all these fats. My body fat percentage is so gross. So hopefully I'll see at least some  results by December 31st 2015!!! I need to be more wary of my food intake also because I tend to just eat what I want although I don't think I eat a lot. I don't even know. But hey, anyone who wants to ask me out - I love pastamania - just saying. I'm trying to be healthy and all but Pastamania is my soft spot. Okay shiok sendiri moment OVER - I have to keep reminding myself it's 80% nutrition and 20% exercise so I have to focus so much on food and make sure I eat healthy and don't go 1526 which is my BMR lah 1526 calories per day not bad what right... I'm glad to have Far do this with me, and my friends in uni with me as well. Like lol @ dad bc his "motivation" (which is basically constant insults and verbal abuse for 5/6 years?) didn't work... ever. Such good parenting :')

And everything else goes into this paragraph: I ordered my Littmann Classic III Stethoscope in Hunter Green!!!! I hope nobody gets the same colour as me but it's basically dark green so maybe it'd be common #sad Oh my god this reminds me, I'm like addicted to hashtags, even in real life. I annoy MYSELF. I'd just go like "Oh well, this is hashtag life" How frickin weird is that I NEED TO STOP. Anyway... I wanna be an OGL for Nursing FOC but like at the same time I'm lazy because I only end clinicals June 20 next year then OGLs would need to go for the camp and the pre-camp then it's like do I want the time for myself or do I want to do FOC. And Project Damai!! Okay I'm interested in the idea of it and what they're doing - health screenings/checkups/treatments, school education and community service like I want to do that - but it's the company that I worry about? I feel so out of place with them, it's like the moment I entered the room for the sharing session I just didn't feel like I belonged or something like that. (I hope none of them ever sees this lol) So that's a huge reason why I'm reluctant to go - I wish it was an interfac OCIP and not like a muslim thing wow I'm sounding like a real harami here sorry guys. Other than that I'm also super interested in the publicity/welfare section for PD, but I don't know. Dina and Nadhirah wants to go like 100%, Nadiah is 50/50 because she wants to join the FOC for the NUSMS camp, I'm considering Nursing FOC. SO I DON'T KNOW. Like I really don't even know what to think for Project Damai. Oh well. I think I'm just gonna go watch Awkward and then go to sleep, I'm exhausted.

Also if you're bored, ask me questions on ask.fm because I'd be gladdddd to answer I'M SO BORED bye ily thanks y'all for 11k views!! :)

♫ Pieces - Sum 41 ♫

I... have eleven thousand all-time pageviews on my website/blog, it's amazing. Endless thank you's to everyone who bothers reading my blog entries or even just scroll through to see the pictures. So let's start with Thursday, 3rd September. I was going for my second ever body scan at the wellness centre and I was pretty damn terrified. A couple of my classmates (hint: both boys) were like "You're taking protein?!" "You lifting weights??" but it's okay haha and so far so good by the way!! The protein shake tastes so good. Back to my story: So after we talked for almost an hour and a half, we all went our separate ways and I went to meet Far and I had to get my body scan before the workout instead of after before Coach Liz said it was more accurate that way. The results were disappointing? I was so sad for five entire hours. I lost 100g but gained 0.5% body fat and also 3kg of muscles... It was a complete wtf moment for me because I gained all that but still lost weight. It was probably water.
Friday was another sad day. As in it was fun... but still sad. I woke up really early and then went to school with Dina and then had breakfast alone at Kopitiam (she had an 8am class) and then headed to the library... where I fell asleep. I headed to class afterwards and lecture after that and it all finally ended at 1pm. I tried the froyo from the froyo machine at Science Canteen. Then we headed back to Pasir Ris for lunch at Pastamania where I proceeded to eat, a lot. I was insanely disappointed in my lack of self-control. Actually I'm still disappointed. Oh well. Then we watched Inside Out and I cried like twice. Dina and Nadiah fell asleep a few times through the movie. And there was a guy who came to watch the movie alone?! There was an empty seat between my friends and I and the family next to us and he came in like right when the short film Lava started screening. The only other person I know who watches movies alone... is my mom. I vlogged my day a little, oh how I miss vlogging. So a short vlog might be up soon!!! My Colourpop stuff came!!
Oh I'm on a shopping ban now. I realised, after my first month at university, that my allowance is actually really little so I can't even shop or it'll cut into my pathetic amount of savings in the bank. I actually can't even save with what I get every month because it's barely enough to buy food, concession, gym shit. Anyway I ran on a walk/jog/run today. Anyone who knows me would know that I walk most of the time, sprint short distances, jog to chase cute dogs and then get exhausted so I continue walking or stop to take pictures of the sky or some shit like that.
Anyway here are some things that made me pissed recently: Last night, she wanted to watch Beauty and the Beast, so as usual, instead of actually learning to download it herself, she asked me to download it so since I didn't have anything to do last night, I downloaded it and then connected it to the tv and started playing it. The audio wasn't working because our amplifier lagged for a few seconds because I just turned it. But mom yelled at me, and I responded with "Can't you wait? This thing (pointing to the amplifier) is lagging, not me" and she replied. "Why you so sensitive ni?" I just feel like my patience is running thin. I hate that so much is expected of me. I hate that since I'm the "more responsible" daughter out of all three of us, she automatically asks me to do everything. I hate that I'm expected to be happy all the time. You know that I hate getting blamed for things I'm not responsible for and yet instead of waiting ten seconds, she yelled at me for the audio not coming out. Another example would be when dad and I were paying school fees, and when I clicked the "proceed" button, the pop-up didn't come out since I have a pop-up blocker on, so I had to try it a second time and it worked, so my dad went "See, you need my help to do it" and I'm just like "I did it correctly, it's just that the pop-up blocker was on" and he didn't believe me. It's like he thinks I'm some dumbfuck, it's crazy. It's really disturbing to realise that your own father thinks you're so stupid. So I just said "Why won't you believe me?" I mean, was it really that difficult for him to consider the possibility that it wasn't actually my fault that page won't load? The only thing I had to do was (1) type in the value we were paying and (2) press proceed... and he made it seem like I couldn't even press the stupid proceed button, he then shouted at me saying "Shut up! I'm the one paying for all this" like geez wow what a great thing you're doing, paying for my education, I'm so blessed, I'm the only one in the world* whose dad is paying for their school fees, I'm so grateful, I'd give up all my organs for you. I'm not even exaggerating but I'm pretty sure that's the kind of "appreciation" my dad so badly needs. I find myself being rather sad when I'm at home. It's almost as if I'm expecting my parents to spit an insult at me, or just say something bitchy. The other two things that I was pissed about pales in comparison so I'll just summarise: (1) Nadia stained my emoji pillow with a pen, it was on accident so I'm not mad about that, but I'm mad that she insisted "later" when I asked her to go wash it now (This happened halfway through this blog entry)  and (2) I had a realisation earlier today that Farah will never return my headphones. I got them from work earlier this year and she just refuses to give it back claiming "You took my headphones, I take yours" - I used her purple headphones just a few times a year back probably and she decided to give it to me (great!) but now she thinks it immediately means my headphones are hers? I don't know, I can't even be bothered to argue about this. I have like 4 pairs of Apple earpods that I love so I don't really mind but, I'm just wondering why someone who always emphasizes on integrity would claim it to be hers when I never explicitly said she could have it. So yeah, the two points are like so whatever as compared to me feeling shitty and unsafe in my own home.

* I acknowledge that some people actually pay for their own education - I salute you