Get To Know Me (Part II)

Tuesday, July 09, 2013

... Continuation...
16. Something I always think "what if..." about
What if nobody loves me and I have to be alone forever? I'm fine with being alone, but being alone forever would mean that I'll get lonely and I can't stand the thought of me being lonely for the rest of my life. It seems like an awfully empty and dark future to look forward to.

17. Something that I'm proud of
I don't have much to be proud of at all, but I guess I'm proud of learning how to download high quality movies and I'm proud to not have been influenced by bad people and becoming a Muslim who drinks, and clubs and wear revealing clothes and engage in premarital sex? I'm nowhere close to becoming a decent muslim but I'm glad I'm not so bad either.

18. A problem that I have had
Well, a problem that I'm currently facing is accepting my body. I'm not skinny and until I'm all bones, I will not stop hating myself and that's the problem, I guess? I see people who are much larger than I am but they have the confidence to wear bodycon skirts and dresses and I'm fascinated like how do they find confidence to do that? Oh wait, I highly doubt they have family members who call them "pig" and tell them they're too fat to eat.

19. Five items I lust after want
New black boots, a new wallet, to weigh 45kg, to grow taller, to have flawless skin. Not items, but still.

20. My fears
I'm scared of
  • being alone
  • falling in love
  • imperfections
  • failing
  • ants
  • God
  • ghosts
  • not being good enough
  • being the same
  • commitment
  • strangers
  • new places
  • crowded places
  • first days at school
  • meeting new people
  • myself

21. How I hope my future will be like
Happy, with no struggles.

22. My academics
I suck, basically. I wish I were better but I'm not interested and I don't want to try anymore because nothing is good enough and I'm tired of trying and I'm tired of being tired.

23. Something that I miss
My secondary school friends, I miss not worrying. I miss spending days watching seasons and seasons of tv shows and horror movies. I miss being happy. I miss being three or four years young, and making hand paintings and paintings with sponges and fruits and running to my parents, showing them my painting like it's my biggest achievement and the look that my parents had like they're so proud of me and dad carrying me in his arms and spinning me around like he loved me and I was his prized possession and me crying everyday on my first week of primary one because I didn't want my mom to leave me, me playing in my grandma's room - building forts with the pillows and bolsters, I miss loads of stuff but sadly, they're all just memories.

24. Five words/phrases that make me laugh
  • Muchacho
  • Malk
  • Don't be notti
I can't think of anything else.

25. Something I'm currently worrying about
My sanity, I think. I'm going mad, I'm going crazy.

26. Things I like and dislike about myself
I don't like how I think, I don't like my negativity, I don't like my weight, I don't like my skin, I don't like my face, I don't like my nose, I don't like bad eyesight, I don't like fats, I don't like my bad memory, I don't like my short attention span, I don't like my jealousy, I don't like my over-sensitivity, I don't like my awkwardness, I don't like my shyness, I don't like my sadness.

I like how I'm like the IT genius among my close friends/family.

27. A quote I try to live by
“Sometimes it seems safer to hold it all in, where the only person who can judge is yourself.” 
— Sarah Dessen
I feel like I trust too easily and tell people things about me that they won't necessarily accept and I try very hard to just keep it to myself because at least I'm the only one hating me.

28. Somewhere I'd like to move to or visit
I'd like to visit the Maldives, or Bora Bora because they both look amazing and I just want to stay there for maybe 5 to 7 days and just forget the world, you know? And if I could, I'd move to a Muslim town in the UK where it's quite chill and all, or maybe to some quiet town in Australia? I just want peace and quiet and calm.

29. Five weird things that I like
Lizards, really hot water when I shower, food that's only heated for awhile, lying on the cold, marble floor, you.

30. One thing I'm excited for
December holidays!!

I totally died after PE because we had F&C and she said it wasn't even intense but damn you, it was intense enough for me. The "light jog" made my chest hurt and my calves cramped up. So screw you all, I'm unfit and fat. I'm so fat. Bad day today. I wish I could've caught a glimpse of you because you could make my day so easily but I didn't so yeah, what a crappy day. Gonna watch Falling Skies now yay!! And I made a new header picture! Like it/hate it?

You Might Also Like