All Things At Once

Thursday, December 19, 2013

Hola. I woke up quite late today and had lunch, did some homework and then did some exercises. I felt dizzy afterwards so I lied down, but then I felt nauseous so it was just horrible. I'm okay now, done for the day so I'm just sitting here and being unproductive for the rest of my waking hours. I was about to sleep last night and I thought of a really wonderful topic to blog about but now I can't seem to remember what it was... I tried lucid dreaming but I failed terribly. I got to that stage where I can't feel my fingers but I wasn't dreaming either.

I was thinking of how life would be if life went exactly as I would've wanted it to go. I'd be much happier I think. If I were more organised, hardworking, smart, skinny, good at saving, blah blah blah I could go on forever, I think I would be so so so different. I think I'd dress differently, maybe with lots of skirts and shorts because goddamn Singapore is so hot, but with my current obesity problem I'm stuck with just jeans all the time. I'm really envious of people with high metabolism, those who eat a lot and don't get fat even when they don't exercise at all, and those who lose weight simply by not eating. Why can't I have it easy? Why is everything so hard for me? I'm just not strong enough for anything, I swear. I am never enough.

Mom paid for tuition today. I start on 1/1/14. I'm very angry and upset, I want to cry and die. As I mentioned in the previous post, it's a class of 3. My teacher's gonna be a Mr Chia. I am not good with new people! I remember how awkward it was when I enrolled for math tuition in late Sec 3. I first met Mr Lee and I was so scared and nervous. He turned out to be a nice old man, so I'm cool with that. Now, not only do I need to meet a total stranger for a teacher, I also have to meet two other seventeen year olds!! And I'm really bad at Chemistry so I bet everyone will be totally judging me because I'm taking tuition for freaking J2 Chem when my J1 Chem knowledge is almost non-existent. (But hey, I did my Chem TYS for Stoich today and I got 25/26!! 1 mark gone because I didn't know that C2H6O is propanone. We haven't studied this, right? Not my fault, then!!) Mom just told me she's not free to send me to my first tuition centre UGH HOW CAN SHE DO THIS TO ME. I have serious issues meeting people or talking to people I am about to have a massive breakdown. I want to cry really bad, okay let's change topic.

I wish snails could talk, so I can help bring them to their destination, like maybe across the road or the walkway.

SCREW YOU PUBERTY. Yes, I did just change the topic again but I'm so mad! Puberty usually makes people hot or beautiful or sexy or both, but it made me fat and ugly and stupid and disgusting! I used to have a 19.7 BMI, c'mon, that's so close to underweight (kind of) and now I'm just fat and disgusting like I ate a lot throughout my life but only started getting fat in secondary school. And my skin used to be okay, like zero acne and now I'm hideous. Screw you puberty, screw you. Actually, since my parents are such experts at kidnapping me and bringing me to places I don't want to go to (eg. anywhere outside home), it wouldn't be that hard for me to keep me in a room with just a bed, bathroom, water and a small gym, and a digital weighing scale. If they keep me there for hmm 3 months, I think I'd only sleep for the first month and finally just start exercising and when I see results, I'll most likely continue and then come out hot!!! I just really don't need school in my life right now.

I really want Red Velvet Hot Cocoa from Coffee Bean. 

If I had the choice, the money, the freedom, and the courage, I want to go travel. Actually, no nevermind I'll make another post about travelling later this week or next week. 

I wanna plan my wedding. I'm really excited about getting married - or really, I'm excited just thinking about being loved enough by someone that they want to marry me! I want a nice dress and nice cake and nice makeup and a personal trainer like a year before I get married haha so I'm gonna be beautiful on my wedding day. I really love Elie Saab. His dresses are just p e r f e c t.
I've just begun watching My Mad Fat Diary. There's only 6 episodes so far, and the next season starts next year so I'll just watch it after As. Hahahahahaha dad just promised to give me a thousand for every A I get for A Levels. If I get straight As, $5k. Wowowow but that's impossible. It'd be great to even get a thousand. I got $200 for my A for Malay. I should've gotten $1400 since I got 7As, but hm I don't really like extorting money from my dad so whatever, it's cool although I'm broke right now. Ah, gotta go.

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