What's Happening?

Monday, December 16, 2013

I've had so many different blogs. Four to be exact. And sometimes when I read all those all posts, I see how much I've changed, how much I've matured (not much, but you know what I mean) I used to blog in different fonts, different colours - all in one post. Of course, what I blog about has always been the same. I'll talk about my day and everything that happened. Pretty boring, it makes me wonder why some of you still read my blog. 

I have to admit that I'm a complete emotional mess these past few years. I think there must have been some point in my life when I was happy but I just can't remember that. I don't have memories of a time when I was truly happy. Not one bit of darkness or sadness in my heart. Just pure innocence and happiness. My life kind of went downhill after Sec 2 and I keep hearing Nabs' voice when I think about that. I hear her saying "She used to be so outgoing and confident and loud" and I think I can remember that. Just a fragment of my life that I remember. I even ran for class chairman position. I recall myself ending my speech with a "Vote for me, because I'm awesome!" Of course, I didn't get the position but it was a good experience. Haha I became a sad person afterwards. I don't know what happened, I just found myself in a deep dark hole and I couldn't find a way out. I couldn't remember how I got there. And just when I thought things couldn't get any worse, the floor beneath me dropped and I found myself further away from freedom, further away from happiness. I struggled so hard to climb out and reach my happiness but eventually I just gave up. Some days the sun was shining really bright and some days it was just gloomy and dark. Some days I felt like nothing at all. 

The five pillars of Islam are:

  1. Shahadah: declaring there is no god except God, and Muhammad is God's Messenger
  1. Solat: ritual prayer five times a day
  1. Puasa: fasting and self-control during the blessed month of Ramadan
  1. Zakat: giving 2.5% of one’s savings to the poor and needy
  1. Haji: pilgrimage to Mecca at least once in a lifetime if he/she is able to

If the determination of how religious one is based on the five pillars of Islam, then I'd say that I'm 60% religious. I'm not really religious but somehow religion is the only thing stopping me from killing myself. I'm a coward as well so that can be one of the factors why I'm still here. I don't get why people say it's a very selfish and cowardly act to kill oneself. I mean, I'm pretty sure it takes a lot of courage to actually do it. And how is it selfish? Yes, you did it to end the pain you're going through and that process makes others around you suffer. But you're supposed to care about them when they never cared about you when you're the one suffering? I guess it's an exaggeration to say that people never cared, but why do I feel so alone then? There's so many people who have been there for me and I'm constantly thankful. Wow, my mind's in such a huge mess. 

Anyway, I'm almost done with Hart of Dixie. I think the next episode is next year. So yay me for finishing two and a quarter seasons within two weeks. I should start homework and revision soon. Maybe next week. Less than 3 weeks to school re-opening I think. I hope I don't go crazy next year. 

Why is it that it's much easier to remember the mean things people say to/about me than it is to remember the nice things people say? (I miss Japan so much and the Japan Trip people!!!) Back in Japan, I was walking with LKM and he said, "What makes you think that? You're not fat at all." And I was just thinking what his definition of fat is... I'm obviously overweight and I completely don't understand how he can think I'm not fat at all and it actually looked like he really meant it. He's so nice. 

I'm sick now. It makes my days even worse because I wake up much later and I feel so tired all the time. I haven't been sick in a year or more. I feel like crap. I've been typing up this post for over a few days. I don't even know what was the purpose of this post.

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