Sunday, February 08, 2015

So I’ve been thinking of writing this for awhile now. I’ve always wished to be pretty or at least attractive but now I’m actually thinking of what exactly is making me unattractive… I truly envy other girls who’re just naturally stunning or almost perfect with little to no effort and I have to put in so much effort and I still don’t turn out the way I want to look like. So I blame myself and genetics.

Firstly, the genetics part. 
I have bad eyesight, and this could probably be due to my own bad habits but I highly doubt so because I don’t really do anything particularly bad with my eyes. I’ve worn glasses since I was five years old. Both my parents have myopia, and my mom has astigmatism - both of which, I inherited. My vision has worsened tremendously over the years. I’ve now been wearing glasses for thirteen years and contact lenses for five years. My degree for my left eye passed the 1000 mark in 2014 and my right eye is rapidly approaching that (Yes, my vision is uneven) For those of you who don’t know, astigmatism is a distortion in the eye’s spherical curvature that basically messes up my vision. And I’m also near-sighted meaning my I can’t see anything further than 10cm away clearer, without my glasses. Having such bad eyesight, my contact lens aren’t exactly perfect which means I have slight problems with seeing when I have my contact lenses on. But having them on gives me the little confidence boost I need, so I do it anyway. So other than inheriting myopia from my parents, I have bad skin! I don’t know if I can blame this on genetics but I take care of my skin so I guess I could blame this one on my dad. My mom has perfect skin. And apparently my dad had really bad skin when he was younger. And my skin is terrible. I have really bad acne, my skin fluctuates between really dry to oily, and my skin scars super easily - leaving dark spots and discolouration. So it really sucks and completely demolishes whatever is left of my self-esteem. And I really don’t want to start university with me having to wear obviously thick makeup to cover whatever imperfections that will still be evident up close. So good luck to my skin. One would expect that being stress-free would’ve done good to my skin, but nope - I’m getting none of that good stuff. Let’s just hope all this snail cream thing I’m putting on my face works out. I recently had bleeding gums, at the back of one specific tooth. So I was complaining about it and Farah pointed out that my dad has a gum problem too. So >>>> GENETICS!!!<<<< Oh and apparently that’s a sign of diabetes too. I got electrocuted yesterday (nothing severe) by Farah’s laptop charger, which is strange because I’ve never been electrocuted by my laptop charger in the four years I’ve owned this laptop. But she’s using a different charger for her MacBook Air so I guess that one is evil and it electrocuted my leg and I was in crazy pain for 5 long seconds and my fats did not provide any insulation, okay? But the entire day today I’ve had this painful ache on the tip of my ring finger on the left hand and I don’t know if it’s a symptom of diabetes (genetics!!!) or if somehow the electrocution yesterday affected a nerve that was joined to my stupid finger. Hopefully, it’ll go away. And both my parents aren’t hairy at all, they’re like naked mole rats - barely any hair on their arms and legs and I’m like a furry cat?? Mom says it’s because of the indian side of the family aka grandma (I think?) So they skipped a generation and I’m a fur ball??? I wish they permanently laser-removed any hair follicles on my body as a baby. Body hair is NOT NEEDED AND NOT NECESSARY EXCUSE ME. So the last part of the genetics section of this post is that I have a theory that the oldest sibling in the family is the most attractive!! Jealous of Farah!!! So here are some examples - with pictures, if applicable.

Chris, the older brother is more attractive than Liam
And James is more attractive than Dave, who has worm-like eyebrows
Farah is the prettiest among us three.

Anyway, so since my theory is proven, my conclusion is that it sucks to be the middle child, and that bad genetics suck. Now, moving on to blaming myself. I hate myself for getting fat. I think I used to be skinny when I was like 10 years old. I joined basketball, got lots of leg muscle, especially calf muscles which never really went away so now I have huge calves because of the muscles plus the huge layer of fat surrounding it. I hate my calves. Anyway I’ve eaten unhealthily for half my life - I hate vegetables and fruits, I love the unhealthy stuff like pizza, cheese, burgers, fast food. And I really despise myself for not being able to be stronger, strong enough to bring myself to exercise or to eat better. I was 156cm and 48kg in 2008, which was within the healthy weight range. I’ve steadily gained weight since. And now I’m probably severely overweight and I really really despise myself for that. I remember telling myself that after A Levels, I would exercise every singly day and lose so much weight that I would be proud of myself. But now, it’s February and I haven’t done shit. I went to the gym with Eli after our last written paper (aka the last paper before MCQ) and I almost died. I was that unfit. I ate less, drank more. Did no exercise at all. I managed to lose 4kg doing absolutely nothing. But I’ve started to eat a lot and snack a lot again so that’s really bad and now I refuse to even get on my digital scale because I fear seeing a number that would make me unhappy. I’m so disappointed in myself for not doing what I wanted to do. All I want is to be fitter and to exercise regularly and make better eating choices - but I just had pizza last night and all I do is lay in bed all day. I could’ve exercised everyday in January. I’m going to start work really really soon - in a couple of days and I’d have little to no time to exercise. God, I keep making excuses for myself. How is it possible that I hate myself so much? All I want is to be able to look at my body and not hate it or feel revolted by the sight of it. I want to feel pretty in the clothes I wear and get to wear the smaller sizes available (This is one of the reasons why I shop at Cotton On lol I can get a size S) I just really hate how I look and I’m mad at myself that even after writing this I will probably get pizza to eat and then sit on the sofa and read a book or do something completely unproductive. I’ll be hideous forever and it’ll be my fault. I’m also mad at myself for being stupid and lazy. If I worked harder since day one, I could’ve done better right? At school, I mean. But nothing made sense, I would try and fail and try and fail again and again and eventually I just got sick of it. I just wish I were smarter, and more determined. I give up too easily. I just don’t see the point in failing repeatedly. I try so hard and see almost no improvement and I just get mad.

I get mad because I’m an ugly, fat, dumb and worthless piece of shit.
That’s the end of this Genetics + Me post.
Adios x

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