Teen Idle

Tuesday, October 25, 2016

I got over two thousand views from Israel this week and that's a bit strange considering I haven't posted in close to three months. This semester has frankly been quite a struggle. I've been sick in most of the months and it fluctuates really. I could be feeling good one day and then I'm suddenly so sick the next day my head hurts and I can't move. Other than that, I've had a severe problem with motivation. I haven't studied much this semester, excluding the hardcore mugging for four days for my one CA a few weeks back. I haven't been attending lectures, I'm distracted in tutorials and I feel like I'm lagging behind a lot, but I can't seem to want to study. I hate myself for it, it's like this isn't important to me, and it is, but I just can't. Or won't?

The most recent scare I had and the closest to failing for the first time in uni was for this semester's skills assessment for Med Surg II. Just four hours after I completed my assessment - it was wound dressing, by the way - results were released. Quickly I hit ⌘F and searched for my matric number. It wasn't there. The people hose numbers weren't on the list were to attend a briefing on Monday. It meant I failed. I cried for two hours, stared numbly at the ceiling in my dark bedroom for an hour and then bingewatched my tv shows until 5am. I woke up in the afternoon, bingewatched Black Mirror, moped around, worked out, watched more tv and went to sleep at 4am. The cycle repeated until Monday morning where I dragged myself to a lecture I didn't pay attention to and then came the dreaded briefing. She announced that out of the ~100 people that "failed", some people got a Conditional Pass, and others... well, failed. Turns out I got a CP... because I got one step wrong in my surgical handrub. A handrub. One step wrong. One. Step. Wrong. And I spent an entire weekend upset about it. SBJ. I think what scared me the most was the thought of having to go through that again. While waiting for my turn, I sat outside the ward, legs shaking fast, hands balled up into fists, biting my lower lip until I tasted blood and then going inside, pretending I was okay the whole way through the STO and wound dressing procedure. My God, my pulse was racing and my hands were trembling terribly. Okay the trembling could've happened because of my wrists that never healed properly but I do shake extra hard when I'm anxious. The moment I didn't see my name on the results list, I just... broke down because I didn't want to do the retest and go through that whole experience. Alright alright enough of this. I went for lunch and got assessed afterwards so that's done. Thank god, I'm beyond relieved. All the best to those retesting on Wednesday!!

I've been working out recently. Started October 14th. I'm currently following the 30 Day Shred because I realised I'm way too unfit for BBG which is way way way more intense. I always give up halfway, dizzy and nauseated. I've completed the first ten days of 30DS and took a day off yesterday because I'm too tired and sore. I'm excited to start on Level Two today! I hope I see some progress soon lol. I figured I needed this. I always start working out or dieting and then give up soon after. It's pathetic. But I need this. I've spent years of my teenage life hating myself and hating my body and if I could do anything to help myself out, it's to make me stop hating my body. My parents will stop insulting me once I'm tiny and then I'll be happier, right? Maybe. Probably. So I have this 100 day calendar and the 100th day is 21 January 2017 and Godddd I hope there's some obvious progress by then. I need to be more careful about what I eat because diet is so sosososos important in weight loss and it'd be pointless to exercise everyday if I eat shit. I just want to stop hating myself ioshgubigu there's still many other reasons to hate myself but well.... what can I do?

This has been a very depressing entry. Okay my tutorial lecture is over, it's time to do our case study byeeeee

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