We're Empty

Saturday, June 01, 2013

Has anyone ever felt eerily empty inside? It's like this swelling emptiness that threatens to take over your entire being, and it clouds your judgement because you no longer see the reason why you're alive. You're not feeling any anger, sadness, or happiness - you're just empty and you start to wonder why we  spend about 22 years of our lives not just learning and gaining knowledge but competing with everyone else just to achieve a status or a certificate that determines your level of intelligence? It gets harder as we go on, from primary to secondary to tertiary and we have to squeeze in all the little details about everything in our heads. 

I envy people who have ambition and know what they want in life - what they want to be, what they want to achieve. I just sit here and question my own purpose of existence and I just feel empty. It terrifies me because I have no sense of direction. I chose JC because it gave me a little more time to think what I want to go deeper into; it's been five months and I still have no clue what I'm going to be in the future. When people ask me how I'd imagine my life to be like ten years from now, I think about the situation at home. I'd be 26 turning 27 and I'd be happily married and living in my dream home - but I don't think about what I'd be working as because I honestly just don't know.

“We're born alone, we live alone, we die alone. Only through our love and friendship can we create the illusion for the moment that we're not alone.” 
  Orson Welles

This is why I treasure my family and friends so much. They're always there for me, though I admit sometimes I'm upset because of them too. But other times, they're great and it just makes me happy. I realised I over-think a lot and I worry about everything - even my friends know me as the most paranoid person ever - and it's so bad because I get nauseous at situations I find very stressful, like examinations, napfa tests, class tests, incomplete homework - I panic like a mad lady. I'm also the biggest procrastinator so it isn't exactly a good mix. I'll slack after school until about 8 or 9 at night then I'll start my homework and I'll go to bed only at 2 in the morning. It's totally bad for me because I get less than four hours of sleep every night and I barely stay awake in school. I bring food to class and so far, it has been pretty effective in keeping me 100% awake and attentive. 

“I love sleep. My life has a tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?”
― Ernest Hemingway 

So true. I'm gonna try to finish up my second book by today - which seems literally impossible because I'm only at Page 73 of 470 but I'll see if I can do this. Have a splendid day everyone xo

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