Future Love

Sunday, June 16, 2013

I just watched Confessions of a Shopaholic and it was hilarious and I loved it. Hugh Dancy was super attractive in that too. Anyway, I wanted to talk about my fear of love. Or commitment. I've brought this up in previous posts but I haven't exactly talked in-depth about it.

I'm wondering if I could ever love, or be loved. I was texting Nabs last night and I was telling her how I don't think I could ever love myself - all I could think of is how much I dislike everything about me. And she mentioned that for someone to love me, I have to love myself first. That was the point where I said, "Then nobody will ever love me," and there was this aching, empty feeling in my heart knowing that it will be true, unless I do something to change it. But what - what can I possibly do? Change myself to be someone I'm not, just so I could be loved? But how do I love? It's like whenever I like a boy, I'd think of all the possible situations that could happen - all the reasons why he wouldn't like me, all the reasons why I could get dumped, all the reasons why nobody would ever approach me. I'm thinking all these reasons but I'm forgetting to think about what I would do if they do happen to like me. I'm honestly too scared to get into a relationship. I'd get too distracted. I'm already bad at academics, I don't even have talents. I'm too scared of what my parents might say. I'm too scared of not being a good enough person - not having good enough dates, not being a good enough girlfriend. I'm scared I don't know the right things to say, or the right things to do. 

I don't even want to talk about this anymore. I just don't want to love or be loved at all. It's easier this way. Just leave me alone. I'm fine anyway. I always have been. 

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