I'm mildly pissed right now because I got kicked out of my shower. Basically my uncle comes over unannounced like all the time ever since he started working in Singapore and he usually leaves by 8:15pm and now's 8:07pm so I figured okay, I'm gonna take a hot shower because I'm bloody exhausted and finals has ended and I just want to relax a bit. Two minutes into my shower, my mom yells from outside the door saying my uncle needs to take wudhu to pray Isyak before he goes to work (he does night shifts) so I'm yelling back like "So you expect me to just leave now?" But being the nice person that I am (most of the time), I get out of the shower, put on my towel and go back to my room. Mom has the audacity to glare at me as if I had needed to ask for permission to take a shower in the freaking bathroom?? There's three toilets in the house goddammit!! But okay, explanation done, let's talk about the good stuff!!

NUR1114 & NUR1113 were alright. I had my last paper, NUR1117 today and on the way to school (with Nadiah/Insyi/Dina), I bumped into Serene and Ania and GOD if you know me, you'd know I find it so difficult to juggle when I'm with like friends who don't know each other. But it worked out fine. The paper though.... that was just absolutely horrendous but I'm glad that's over so I shall not dwell on that. There's still the clinical attachment in which we have to achieve 75% of the skills in our handbook so that terrifies me a bit. But I have my Easties with me so it's good I hope I can do the skillz. 

We were supposed to go iceskating as a class outing but some people couldn't make it, some people weren't interested so we switched it to lunch instead. Vic came later and most of the class left until it became just Shao, Vic, Serene and me. After changing our plan like three times, Shao left to go home and Yassar joined Vic and me and we watched The Good Dinosaur - which is an amazing movie (I cried like twice, but I've been extra emotional lately so never mind that) then we had dinner together and talked tons hahaha and yeah it was a pretty cool day and then they had to leave, Vic had plans with another friend and Yassar had to go somewhere for something (wow vague I know, I just don't want to reveal too many details that aren't mine to tell) so I headed home!!!

Anyway there was one part that was funny:

Vic: Tiara, you're mixed right?
Me: Huh no?? I'm pure Malay
Yassar: Guys guys if I were to be smooth right, I would say "Yeah you look mixed! A mix of sugar, spice and everything nice *smirks*

 Vic was so done with Yassar hahahaha she didn't even think it was smooth

I'm so tired I can't wait to sleep. There's an exciting week ahead so I'm very happy!!!!

Photo by David Rodrigo on Unsplash

Okay before I get back to studying I thought I'd write a little about what's on my mind. I don't usually write about religion but here goes: I was on Facebook last night and came across this video. Let's see if I can link it. Okay found it!!  Basically this engineer is proposing to build a mosque, and these anti-muslim audience at the meeting were being really rude. And the engineer said "The worst part was not necessarily that the gentlemen were expressing their opinion in such a way, but was that people started clapping and cheering, and that's what I was more taken by." One of the other old men who spoke said that because of the attacks in Paris, they all have this view that Muslims are evil, all Muslims are evil and I just feel like it's so unfair.


This is nothing new, of course but it gets me so mad that when a Muslim carries out an act of terrorism, the entire religion gets blamed for it. But when terrorists of other religions do it, they're just a lone wolf, you feel?? I mean I guess most of the time when Muslim extremists do bad things, it's "for religion" - but they're extremists, they take things to the extremes and I would hardly call them Muslims anymore because their way of thinking is so warped?? Their behaviour basically distorts everything that Islam stands for. And white extremists usually just shoot up schools and buildings so they don't usually have a religious motive behind those acts of terrorism? You don't see people blaming these extremists' entire religion or race!! 94% of terrorist attacks ARE NOT DONE BY MUSLIMS. Yet, muslims are the most heavily targeted on with people almost perpetually chanting “Not all Muslims are terrorists, but all terrorists are Muslims.” or like in the case of the video above, "Every one of you (Muslims) are terrorists." Throughout the video I felt like screaming "EXCUSE YOU, WHITE MAN, DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY PEOPLE YOUR RACE/RELIGION HAVE KILLED??" Obviously I'm not one to advocate blaming based on just generalisation but that's basically what these anti-muslim people are doing towards Muslims!! It's just so dumb for these people to hate on Muslims so much for what a minority of Muslims - the extremists - have done! It's like they're completely ignoring what people from their own religion/race have done! A study conducted by the New America Foundation says that white extremists have killed more Americans in the U.S. than Jihadists since 9/11. Okay, non-US: Anders Breivik slaughtered 77 people in Norway to further his anti-Muslim, anti-immigrant, and pro-“Christian Europe” agenda as he stated in his manifesto. But did people start saying all Christians are terrorists?? -- In fact, even the suggestion that Breivik was a “Christian terrorist” was met with outrage by many, including Fox News’s Bill O’Reilly. Anyway, let's see... "An initial court-ordered psychiatric review concluded that Breivik suffered from paranoid schizophrenia, but a second review diagnosed only “dissocial personality disorder” and “narcissistic traits.”" Oh and hey!! He got accepted into the University of Oslo!! Since when did we start publishing achievements of terrorists??

How about Buddhist terrorists?? Jewish terrorists?? Actually I can't even be bothered anymore. Read this article and this as well. The world is always going to be like this. It's just so easy to hate on Muslims right?

To end off on a lighter note: ... Watch this cat video!!!  

Or if you're not into cats, then there's a dog video too!!
Until next time, adios xo

My whole life, all I've wanted was to satisfy my parents. Most people want that. You just want to see them happy, and of course being an Asian kid, or well, I guess race doesn't really matter because all parents just want to see you have good grades, grow up right, and just be an overall decent kid. But now I'm just getting sick of it, I guess. Nothing I do is ever enough, and nothing I do will ever be enough. I just feel like my parents are never aware of how much they hurt me. None of it physical, but it hurts all the same.

For the past five years or so, it's just gotten increasingly worse. I've been taught to hate myself, to hate how I look if I'm not the "ideal" body type in my father's eyes, to be disappointed in myself endlessly if I didn't do something right or did badly in a particular exam. I just don't like that. I don't understand how my parents could ever think it's okay to constantly make me feel like crap, and then ask me what's wrong the next day as if they don't know they're the cause of it. I don't understand why you have to enforce your ideal body type on us and hate on every aspect in which I deviate from that ideal type. Why can't you teach us to love ourselves, and appreciate what I already have? Why can't you be okay with the fact that I'm fatter than the norm, why can't you tell me that it's okay and that I shouldn't have to feel less than I'm worth just because my appearance is not up to society's standards, up to your standards? Losing weight or even getting motivation to work out is already something I'm struggling with, and when I finally feel comfortable in an outfit I choose, I'm happy and confident and the next thing I know, you're spitting out words that make me feel so undesirable, so horrendous that I'd rather stay home all day than go out. It's so hard to even believe my friends now, when they say I'm pretty. Am I really? Are they saying that because that's what I want to hear? Is that even true at all? Do they really think that? I hate thinking like this, but it's warranted because if my own blood, my own family, my own parents don't think I look nice, why should my friends? I've seen so many plus-sized people who're confident and strong and beautiful, brave enough to wear whatever they like. And it shouldn't have to be a case of whether or not you have the courage to wear what you desire, it should just be because you want to. And I want to. But every single time I pull myself up to go out into the world and be myself, you do everything you can just to bring me back down. 

Why do you do that? I just don't understand how you're supposed to be my family but you're the source of my unhappiness. I could be okay. I'm struggling, but I could be okay. I could, if you would just stop hurting me all the time. I'm literally the nicest daughter you have, but now I'm starting to believe that there's no point in being nice at all. Do you really despise me that much to want to destroy every little moment of happiness I get? Is that just how you both are? All I wanted was to make you happy, but all you've done is the total opposite for me, and then you claim to be the perfect parents everyone would want to have, just because you're able to provide me with necessities. Stop trying to change me, why can't you just love me the way I want you to? The way I need you to.

You refuse to see what you're doing to me.
You'll never get it, and that's because you don't want to get it. 

It hurts.

School is over (kind of) and I have three papers left starting the week after next's Wednesday and it ends the following Monday. My exams are all e-exams, held in one of the UTown's auditoriums and I've never even been to any of the UTown auditoriums... Good luck to me, I guess. 

We ended school rather early yesterday so we went to Jurong to get lunch and then to Nadh's house to just hang out. Nadh was going to miss the damai meeting because she has this concert to attend so the rest of us went back to school and oh my god did I mention that the shoes I was wearing gave me a blister and when I was walking to school, the blister broke so I was in so much pain I dropped by 7eleven to get plasters and then I put on like five plasters to cover it and it was okay, I guess? The damai meeting was alright. They separated us to our allocated seats - yes, allocated seats - and you all know I'm not exactly myself around strangers but the people around me were nice enough. I realised that I'm bad with names and faces when I'm nervous. And I found out that I'm the i/c for the publicity and welfare subcomm, which terrifies me but I hope I'll do okay. And of course, I met the boy I have a crush on (fingers crossed he doesn't read this) and nothing happened but still I was happy just seeing him!!! I hope we get past this awkward/shy stage soon?? Or is that being too hopeful? I guess I'll just hope for the best lol BUT omg what if my dad's right and I'm just like shiok sendiri and he doesn't like me like that at all...

Anyway I got home and tried to cover up the broken blister properly, so I took some gauze and prodine and I was gonna put it on and then my mom walked in and offered to put it on for me so I said okay. On a scale of 1-10 with 10 being the most painful, how would you rank putting prodine on an open wound? ... It was an excruciating 15. Then she helped tape up the gauze and wow that was painful. It's mostly dried up now when I removed it earlier.

Anyway, my friends like the music I listen to?? I Hate U I Love U by Gnash, is one of them. Chivalry Is Dead by Trevor Wesley is another.  I recall when Nadiah said she first heard the song Billboard by Jacob Whitesides in my June Favourites video and she got Crystal addicted to it as well back in the OG days. And then like a couple weeks back, we were talking about it and she said she actually heard the song first in one of AwesomenessTV's videos so idk what's the truth but oh well whatever, it's a nice feeling to be appreciated for introducing good music to your friends.

And I decided to catch up with The Originals right, and of course, I madly obsess over Phoebe Tonkin who's #goals in every way and then there's Elijah who's perfect and then my new OTP: Aiden & Josh (I'm a sucker for cute couples) I also adore Hayley & Jackson, though I wanted Hayley & Elijah to be together. Okay I just read that Aiden is dying in this episode or the next that I'm watching. Heart-wrenching. Aiden is getting flowers for Josh because they're planning on running away. Screw you Dahlia. Screw you, you stupid witch, for messing with people's happiness. Okay, she just... ripped his heart out. 

They were happy literally ten minutes ago. Josh just found Aiden's body. Wtf is Klaus doing, he just claimed to have killed Aiden wtf you didn't do it, why did you say you did?? Goddammit, Klaus.

Zalora finally, after what seems like an eternity of waiting, emailed me saying they received my exchange request, so I guess I'll be receiving my size 8 shoes on Monday, or Tuesday. And my US stuff, will be arriving on Thursday, or Friday. Shopping bans suck, but knowing that the stuff I ordered a while back is arriving soon makes me happy.

I woke up today, finding out about all the shitty things that's going on in the world. Why does this happen? Why do people go around thinking you can solve things with violence, and terror, and murder. This makes me sad. This is terrible. I'm thankful to be waking up safe and comfortable every morning while many others are out there, terrified for their lives almost constantly. I know wishing for world peace is so cliche?? But I honestly do wish for it. I wish we could all just be happy and live together in peace.

I suddenly remembered something and didn't want to forget so I figured I'd type this out. I had lunch off-campus last week and when I came back I called Nat and asked where they were. I went down to the science canteen and sat with them but I had no idea what was going on haha I left literally for two hours and came back and had no clue what they were talking about but Nat/Vic said that Yassar was saying "it's been awhile since I've had a non-'all boys' clique" and then Shao said "it's been awhile since i've had people to have lunch with" hahahaha ugh it was so much funnier at the time.

Anyway the Deeparaya photos are finally up yay

I haven't posted a blog entry in over a month. I have my first final exam - for my communications module - next Thursday. Next week is the last week of school, before reading week and then it's finals week. This semester has gone by fantastically fast. I'm not exactly in the mood to mug, which I know is bad, but instead of moping around I'm doing sorting out some stuff. Anyway, Nadiah tweeted today about Leroy Sanchez who I haven't listened to in quite awhile, and it's always amazing to see someone grow over the years. I'm listening to his cover of Sia's Elastic Heart. It's great. Great is an understatement, actually.

Anyway, I feel like such a mess recently. I've been feeling down and uninspired and I have to get out of this funk. It's always during this period of the year. I haven't decided if it's just the end of the year of it's specifically exams that always make me feel this way. Oh wow sorry I just left for an hour - I'm in the middle of sorting out all my files. All the lecture slides and stuff, I'm neatly putting them in folders. I hope with an organised laptop, I'll have a decluttered mind as well haha. Anyway both my portable hard disks have acted up occasionally so I'm thinking of getting a new one. I have like one WD hard disk and it died in 2013 which killed me, but it came back to life this year when I tried it again. I have another hard disk from Toshiba, and it's good but it gets crazy sometimes too. I just need a good one, c'mon. Both are a terabyte each which I find more than sufficient. I'll add that to  my wishlist. Nabs asks me every year for stuff that I want. She ends up getting me something different all the time, but it doesn't hurt to have a wishlist and it's like up there ^ right under my header but here's a link anyway. I'll update it soon.

I can't wait for finals to end. 30th November. Then clinicals. Then winter break (my birthday!) And then university starts again. 

Here are some pictures. I know y'all are suckers for a blog post with pictures. Let's go in chronological order.