Dad just gave me $50 to top up my ezlink card! I'm watching Arrow now! It's finally my rest day so work starts at 3:30pm tomorrow so I have all the time in the world to blog. My last blog entry was from before I started work, which was on the 10th of February. Work the first few days was nice, but a little rough because I wasn't used to standing for so long. My feet and my ankles and thighs all died but now I'm almost completely fine with standing that long. Basically I work at an electronics store at the airport in the transit area and it's been quite fun! I have amazing colleagues and they're all super nice and funny. The youngest staff in the store is Xinyi and she's 25 I think? Followed by Ali I think haha I'm not so sure at all but now I'm the youngest!! There's a million funny things that has been said or that has happened and I just absolutely love working with them!! Especially Jaubail, Jay, Xinyi, Murli and like ugh everyone!!! I've had morning shifts and basically a big taxi will pick me up and a few other workers and drive us to the aiport for free! But I'm always late because of the long queue to get my pass but I just have to call the store and it's okay. Work is super tiring but it brings me some sort of happiness or satisfaction if customers leave happy. I keep eating unhealthily during my breaks though haha

I'm having afternoon shifts for the rest of the month so I will have to ask my supervisor about the transport back home since it's my first afternoon shift ever. Anyway my knees and my hips are bruised because (1) I keep having to kneel down to unlock stuff from the shelves, and (2) I keep bumping into the corners of stuff - I'm a clumsy piece of shit lah basically. And my watch spoiled because I stupidly used my magnet on it haha I'm THAT bored, yes. Ali said I'd need to change the battery and I'm like "yeah I know" and he suggested the Energizer battery and I was thinking to myself "Energizer produces watch batteries? Hmmm" then Jay said "Just use car battery lah, can last twenty years" That was when I realised they were joking and omfg I'm so gullible I swear hahahaha and Linda said my black bag is like "an aunty bag" ahahah so embarassing

Okay too lazy to type more but basically sometimes I smile to myself at work because even though it's crazy exhausting, it's pretty fun to work with all of them & they make me happy haha here are some pictures idk

So I’ve been thinking of writing this for awhile now. I’ve always wished to be pretty or at least attractive but now I’m actually thinking of what exactly is making me unattractive… I truly envy other girls who’re just naturally stunning or almost perfect with little to no effort and I have to put in so much effort and I still don’t turn out the way I want to look like. So I blame myself and genetics.

Firstly, the genetics part. 

I have bad eyesight, and this could probably be due to my own bad habits but I highly doubt so because I don’t really do anything particularly bad with my eyes. I’ve worn glasses since I was five years old. Both my parents have myopia, and my mom has astigmatism - both of which, I inherited. My vision has worsened tremendously over the years. I’ve now been wearing glasses for thirteen years and contact lenses for five years. My degree for my left eye passed the 1000 mark in 2014 and my right eye is rapidly approaching that (Yes, my vision is uneven) For those of you who don’t know, astigmatism is a distortion in the eye’s spherical curvature that basically messes up my vision. And I’m also near-sighted meaning my I can’t see anything further than 10cm away clearer, without my glasses. Having such bad eyesight, my contact lens aren’t exactly perfect which means I have slight problems with seeing when I have my contact lenses on. But having them on gives me the little confidence boost I need, so I do it anyway. So other than inheriting myopia from my parents, I have bad skin! I don’t know if I can blame this on genetics but I take care of my skin so I guess I could blame this one on my dad. My mom has perfect skin. And apparently my dad had really bad skin when he was younger. And my skin is terrible. I have really bad acne, my skin fluctuates between really dry to oily, and my skin scars super easily - leaving dark spots and discolouration. So it really sucks and completely demolishes whatever is left of my self-esteem. And I really don’t want to start university with me having to wear obviously thick makeup to cover whatever imperfections that will still be evident up close. So good luck to my skin. One would expect that being stress-free would’ve done good to my skin, but nope - I’m getting none of that good stuff. Let’s just hope all this snail cream thing I’m putting on my face works out. I recently had bleeding gums, at the back of one specific tooth. So I was complaining about it and Farah pointed out that my dad has a gum problem too. So >>>> GENETICS!!!<<<< Oh and apparently that’s a sign of diabetes too. I got electrocuted yesterday (nothing severe) by Farah’s laptop charger, which is strange because I’ve never been electrocuted by my laptop charger in the four years I’ve owned this laptop. But she’s using a different charger for her MacBook Air so I guess that one is evil and it electrocuted my leg and I was in crazy pain for 5 long seconds and my fats did not provide any insulation, okay? But the entire day today I’ve had this painful ache on the tip of my ring finger on the left hand and I don’t know if it’s a symptom of diabetes (genetics!!!) or if somehow the electrocution yesterday affected a nerve that was joined to my stupid finger. Hopefully, it’ll go away. And both my parents aren’t hairy at all, they’re like naked mole rats - barely any hair on their arms and legs and I’m like a furry cat?? Mom says it’s because of the indian side of the family aka grandma (I think?) So they skipped a generation and I’m a fur ball??? I wish they permanently laser-removed any hair follicles on my body as a baby. Body hair is NOT NEEDED AND NOT NECESSARY EXCUSE ME. So the last part of the genetics section of this post is that I have a theory that the oldest sibling in the family is the most attractive!! Jealous of Farah!!! So here are some examples - with pictures, if applicable.

Farah is the prettiest among us three.

Anyway, so since my theory is proven, my conclusion is that it sucks to be the middle child, and that bad genetics suck. Now, moving on to blaming myself. I hate myself for getting fat. I think I used to be skinny when I was like 10 years old. I joined basketball, got lots of leg muscle, especially calf muscles which never really went away so now I have huge calves because of the muscles plus the huge layer of fat surrounding it. I hate my calves. Anyway I’ve eaten unhealthily for half my life - I hate vegetables and fruits, I love the unhealthy stuff like pizza, cheese, burgers, fast food. And I really despise myself for not being able to be stronger, strong enough to bring myself to exercise or to eat better. I was 156cm and 48kg in 2008, which was within the healthy weight range. I’ve steadily gained weight since. And now I’m probably severely overweight and I really really despise myself for that. I remember telling myself that after A Levels, I would exercise every singly day and lose so much weight that I would be proud of myself. But now, it’s February and I haven’t done shit. I went to the gym with Eli after our last written paper (aka the last paper before MCQ) and I almost died. I was that unfit. I ate less, drank more. Did no exercise at all. I managed to lose 4kg doing absolutely nothing. But I’ve started to eat a lot and snack a lot again so that’s really bad and now I refuse to even get on my digital scale because I fear seeing a number that would make me unhappy. I’m so disappointed in myself for not doing what I wanted to do. All I want is to be fitter and to exercise regularly and make better eating choices - but I just had pizza last night and all I do is lay in bed all day. I could’ve exercised everyday in January. I’m going to start work really really soon - in a couple of days and I’d have little to no time to exercise. God, I keep making excuses for myself. How is it possible that I hate myself so much? All I want is to be able to look at my body and not hate it or feel revolted by the sight of it. I want to feel pretty in the clothes I wear and get to wear the smaller sizes available (This is one of the reasons why I shop at Cotton On lol I can get a size S) I just really hate how I look and I’m mad at myself that even after writing this I will probably get pizza to eat and then sit on the sofa and read a book or do something completely unproductive. I’ll be hideous forever and it’ll be my fault. I’m also mad at myself for being stupid and lazy. If I worked harder since day one, I could’ve done better right? At school, I mean. But nothing made sense, I would try and fail and try and fail again and again and eventually I just got sick of it. I just wish I were smarter, and more determined. I give up too easily. I just don’t see the point in failing repeatedly. I try so hard and see almost no improvement and I just get mad.

I get mad because I’m an ugly, fat, dumb and worthless piece of shit.

That’s the end of this Genetics + Me post.

Adios x

Strange, isn't it? How I define myself as an adult only after I applied for a debit card? I guess that biologically, an adult is defined as one who is fully developed. But anyway, back to me applying for a debit card. It seems like all my best friends now have debit cards and I'm the only one who doesn't (Sidra just got hers yesterday) and I've been asking my dad for months but he refused to, because he didn't want me to spend the money I saved up as a child (I opened my bank account in 2002, yay to being an OCBC Mighty Saver!! /rolls eyes) So now that I've secured a job, he allowed me to get a debit card and I wanted to apply online but he insisted on applying in real life but I'm like "NO!!!!" because I want a specific card design that's only available when we do online application, so it took me awhile to convince him. And success!!

So on Monday, Sid and I signed our contract for our job ever! It's at the airport, at an electronics store. Our agent said that our contract says we can't reveal details about our job so I don't know how much is too much!! I shall just say that the pay isn't too high (I wish) but it isn't too low either. And there's no commission so that sucks but whatever!! I start work on the 9th so that'll be a huge shock to my body since I'm going from being in bed all day to standing for 8 hours a day at least lol 

Anyway in the last post I made I said I was going to blog and then I didn't haha I'm the world's laziest person right but here are some pictures that I haven't posted. I have a bunch of stuff to blog about so let's just hope that I actually blog about it!!

 This was at Topshop after lunch at 18 Chefs @ East Point!!