I'm Losing Myself More & More Each Day

Saturday, October 19, 2013

I have a serious problem with motivation. I can't find motivation to do anything at all. That's most likely the reason why I haven't spent a lot of my time studying this year, and that is why my grades are my grades. It's not because of me being rebellious, like my dad said. He doesn't ever understand and it frustrates me to the core. Why is it so hard for him to understand? I'm not trying to be rebellious by not studying or occasionally not doing my homework, but I just can't find motivation to study, I don't see the reason as to why I have to work my ass for grades to promote, and again for grades to earn a piece of paper which determines my worth in this society, in this life. I just don't see why I have to do something that makes me so unhappy. Yes, if I study hard now, I might be better off financially in the future and money makes the world go 'round, and even if you want to deny it, it's true. But no, what if I spent my entire youth mugging my ass off, I would've let life gone to waste. What is life if you're not truly living? One of the many things that is wrong with me, is that I'm stuck in between. I can choose to not study, but then I don't have the freedom and money to do what I want to do - like go to the Maldives, or Santorini in Greece or visit the Eiffel Tower in Paris. So I'm stuck with what I hate - education. And we're back to my problem of not having motivation. It sucks to always want to give up, it sucks to feel there's no reason for me doing anything. It sucks when your parents don't understand you.

I really hate this ~comparing~ bullshit. When I have a child, I swear I will never do that. Do you not realise how painful it is to be compared to other people? Why can't you just accept your child for who they are, for how they are? It's so hurtful, it's still so damn hurtful, when you compare me to my best friend - just like you have for the past five years. I am fully aware that she has more motivation than I do, I am fully aware that she has better grades than I do, I am fully aware that she is more religious than I am, and I'm fully aware that you are obviously ashamed of me. You are embarrassed to have me as a daughter, you are embarrassed that I have bad grades and that you will have to meet my tutors. You are disappointed that I have not done better, but the problem lies with you and your goddamn expectations. Time and again I've had bad grades, and you don't bother to lower your expectations to meet my reality. And then you get disappointed and blame me again for being a bad daughter. I was never top of the cohort for anything, why do you suddenly expect so much from me? SUU/S/D for mid years, and suddenly you thought I could pass all my subjects for promos? I would say I improved, definitely - but of course you didn't bother acknowledging that. "You should have studied harder" YES, I should have, but I did try my best - with the level of motivation that I had. You shouldn't have expected so much from me. "Why would you want to be in the bottom 50 of your cohort?" Do I look like I want to? No one wants to. It makes me so mad, you make me so mad. I'm already going crazy up in my head. I just really wished both of you would give me a break. I'm sorry for not being the daughter you wanted, I'm sorry for being a disappointment. Each day that goes by, I feel the urge to give up growing so strong, almost overpowering my will to live. I'm trying so hard, but of course - it's never enough. I'm never enough.

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