Am I In Control
Tuesday, September 23, 2014
4:00am
I'm still awake. I haven't slept in over 20 hours. I'm just staring at the ceiling, or just the emptiness. It's pitch black, maybe with the exception of the tiny green light that glows from my air-conditioning unit. It's silent - or at least it should be, but it's not. A thousand or more thoughts just running through my head. Which ones do I address, which ones do I ignore? I am a mess. I hate going to bed when I'm not tired. I guess that's no longer a problem because now I'm always exhausted. What drains my energy? Is it school? Studying? Walking home under the hot sun? Or is it those countless thoughts?
5:00am
How did time pass by so quickly? I'm not ready for another day. It's so dangerous to be alone with just my thoughts. I'd prefer to sleep, but that's not an option because of the noise. My thoughts are so loud, too loud. Shut up, shut up, shut up. I hate myself for not having enough courage to end it.
cour·age
ˈkərij,ˈkə-rij/
noun
the ability to do something that frightens one
It frightens me, yes it does. I'm scared of life, but I'm scared of death. Where does that leave me? Where do I belong? Dad says A Levels is not everything. He said, "Even if you get straight Us, we'll find a way." Am I supposed to believe that? This is all I've ever known. What am I supposed to do? Obviously my best still isn't good enough. Am I good enough for this world, for this life? All I ever bring to my friends and my family and my school is just disappointment. Make it stop. What time is it? The birds are starting to chirp.
6:00am
Breathe in
Breathe out
It's time to finally get some rest
I hope I don't wake up
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