Parents vs Me

Sunday, November 15, 2015

My whole life, all I've wanted was to satisfy my parents. Most people want that. You just want to see them happy, and of course being an Asian kid, or well, I guess race doesn't really matter because all parents just want to see you have good grades, grow up right, and just be an overall decent kid. But now I'm just getting sick of it, I guess. Nothing I do is ever enough, and nothing I do will ever be enough. I just feel like my parents are never aware of how much they hurt me. None of it physical, but it hurts all the same.

For the past five years or so, it's just gotten increasingly worse. I've been taught to hate myself, to hate how I look if I'm not the "ideal" body type in my father's eyes, to be disappointed in myself endlessly if I didn't do something right or did badly in a particular exam. I just don't like that. I don't understand how my parents could ever think it's okay to constantly make me feel like crap, and then ask me what's wrong the next day as if they don't know they're the cause of it. I don't understand why you have to enforce your ideal body type on us and hate on every aspect in which I deviate from that ideal type. Why can't you teach us to love ourselves, and appreciate what I already have? Why can't you be okay with the fact that I'm fatter than the norm, why can't you tell me that it's okay and that I shouldn't have to feel less than I'm worth just because my appearance is not up to society's standards, up to your standards? Losing weight or even getting motivation to work out is already something I'm struggling with, and when I finally feel comfortable in an outfit I choose, I'm happy and confident and the next thing I know, you're spitting out words that make me feel so undesirable, so horrendous that I'd rather stay home all day than go out. It's so hard to even believe my friends now, when they say I'm pretty. Am I really? Are they saying that because that's what I want to hear? Is that even true at all? Do they really think that? I hate thinking like this, but it's warranted because if my own blood, my own family, my own parents don't think I look nice, why should my friends? I've seen so many plus-sized people who're confident and strong and beautiful, brave enough to wear whatever they like. And it shouldn't have to be a case of whether or not you have the courage to wear what you desire, it should just be because you want to. And I want to. But every single time I pull myself up to go out into the world and be myself, you do everything you can just to bring me back down. 

Why do you do that? I just don't understand how you're supposed to be my family but you're the source of my unhappiness. I could be okay. I'm struggling, but I could be okay. I could, if you would just stop hurting me all the time. I'm literally the nicest daughter you have, but now I'm starting to believe that there's no point in being nice at all. Do you really despise me that much to want to destroy every little moment of happiness I get? Is that just how you both are? All I wanted was to make you happy, but all you've done is the total opposite for me, and then you claim to be the perfect parents everyone would want to have, just because you're able to provide me with necessities. Stop trying to change me, why can't you just love me the way I want you to? The way I need you to.

You refuse to see what you're doing to me.
You'll never get it, and that's because you don't want to get it. 

It hurts.

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