Emo Nemo

Monday, March 07, 2016

Hi. I finished my two hardest midterms which are Anatomy & Physiology II and Pathophysiology & Pharmacology and I don't have school tomorrow so I decided to blog!!!! 

I can't remember anything because I have really shitty memory and also because my life is boring. I had all week to study for p&p but I couldn't seem to focus at all until Saturday night? I studied from midnight to seven thirty am and damn, it was productive as hell. I'm more of a night person if y'all haven't found out yet. I studied throughout Sunday but I couldn't focus until like 11pm so I mugged pharmaco till 4am? It was pointless though because today's paper was.... ridiculous.

Sigh I'm mad at my parents. Maybe mad at myself. I was going down to get the mail and dad just came home and he looked at me and went like "Why don't you wear more appropriate shorts" and I'm just like ??? I'm wearing my Meridian school shorts?? I know it's short af but it's SCHOOL shorts? If it's appropriate for school it should be appropriate for me to wear to go down to get the mail?? What drug are you on??? And what hurts more is knowing he thinks it's inappropriate purely because I'm fat. Nadia could wear shorter shorts and he wouldn't say a thing because she's skinny. It's such a sin or a crime for me to be fat and he hates it and that makes me hate myself (even though yes it's within my control and if I tried harder I could lose weight but I'm bloody lazy okay I'll lose weight someday sigh) and like twenty minutes later my mom made a casual remark about my weight and it makes me feel like shit. This isn't like a one time thing? She also says stuff like "Do you think ______ will like you with your body like that? Dia jijik tengok." Are they completely unaware of how it makes me feel? To struggle to even be okay with my appearance. To actively avoid reflective surfaces when I'm out just because I'm so disgusted by myself? I haven't been explicitly emo on my blog in quite awhile, I think. I'm sorry for this. I'm done. I've made it like a goal for me to be more positive and so far so good!! I complain a lot but like I think I'm generally happier these days.

Dear future kids, I will never never never make you feel unworthy of anything or anyone or make you feel less beautiful than you are or make you feel like your best isn't enough or make you think you're not good enough. I don't want you to go through what I've gone through/ what I'm going though.

(This doesn't mean I'm not incredibly thankful for everything else my parents have done for me ok, I'm just upset about this)

Oh here are some scans from Jessica's birthday party.

I can't wait for midterms to be over

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