I'm A Mess / 11k Views

Saturday, September 05, 2015

♫ Pieces - Sum 41 ♫
I... have eleven thousand all-time pageviews on my website/blog, it's amazing. Endless thank you's to everyone who bothers reading my blog entries or even just scroll through to see the pictures. So let's start with Thursday, 3rd September. I was going for my second ever body scan at the wellness centre and I was pretty damn terrified. A couple of my classmates (hint: both boys) were like "You're taking protein?!" "You lifting weights??" but it's okay haha and so far so good by the way!! The protein shake tastes so good. Back to my story: So after we talked for almost an hour and a half, we all went our separate ways and I went to meet Far and I had to get my body scan before the workout instead of after before Coach Liz said it was more accurate that way. The results were disappointing? I was so sad for five entire hours. I lost 100g but gained 0.5% body fat and also 3kg of muscles... It was a complete wtf moment for me because I gained all that but still lost weight. It was probably water.
Friday was another sad day. As in it was fun... but still sad. I woke up really early and then went to school with Dina and then had breakfast alone at Kopitiam (she had an 8am class) and then headed to the library... where I fell asleep. I headed to class afterwards and lecture after that and it all finally ended at 1pm. I tried the froyo from the froyo machine at Science Canteen. Then we headed back to Pasir Ris for lunch at Pastamania where I proceeded to eat, a lot. I was insanely disappointed in my lack of self-control. Actually I'm still disappointed. Oh well. Then we watched Inside Out and I cried like twice. Dina and Nadiah fell asleep a few times through the movie. And there was a guy who came to watch the movie alone?! There was an empty seat between my friends and I and the family next to us and he came in like right when the short film Lava started screening. The only other person I know who watches movies alone... is my mom. I vlogged my day a little, oh how I miss vlogging. So a short vlog might be up soon!!! My Colourpop stuff came!!
Oh I'm on a shopping ban now. I realised, after my first month at university, that my allowance is actually really little so I can't even shop or it'll cut into my pathetic amount of savings in the bank. I actually can't even save with what I get every month because it's barely enough to buy food, concession, gym shit. Anyway I ran on a walk/jog/run today. Anyone who knows me would know that I walk most of the time, sprint short distances, jog to chase cute dogs and then get exhausted so I continue walking or stop to take pictures of the sky or some shit like that.
(Random pic from Hari Raya bc my hair looks so good / My run today lol)
Anyway here are some things that made me pissed recently: Last night, she wanted to watch Beauty and the Beast, so as usual, instead of actually learning to download it herself, she asked me to download it so since I didn't have anything to do last night, I downloaded it and then connected it to the tv and started playing it. The audio wasn't working because our amplifier lagged for a few seconds because I just turned it. But mom yelled at me, and I responded with "Can't you wait? This thing (pointing to the amplifier) is lagging, not me" and she replied. "Why you so sensitive ni?" I just feel like my patience is running thin. I hate that so much is expected of me. I hate that since I'm the "more responsible" daughter out of all three of us, she automatically asks me to do everything. I hate that I'm expected to be happy all the time. You know that I hate getting blamed for things I'm not responsible for and yet instead of waiting ten seconds, she yelled at me for the audio not coming out. Another example would be when dad and I were paying school fees, and when I clicked the "proceed" button, the pop-up didn't come out since I have a pop-up blocker on, so I had to try it a second time and it worked, so my dad went "See, you need my help to do it" and I'm just like "I did it correctly, it's just that the pop-up blocker was on" and he didn't believe me. It's like he thinks I'm some dumbfuck, it's crazy. It's really disturbing to realise that your own father thinks you're so stupid. So I just said "Why won't you believe me?" I mean, was it really that difficult for him to consider the possibility that it wasn't actually my fault that page won't load? The only thing I had to do was (1) type in the value we were paying and (2) press proceed... and he made it seem like I couldn't even press the stupid proceed button, he then shouted at me saying "Shut up! I'm the one paying for all this" like geez wow what a great thing you're doing, paying for my education, I'm so blessed, I'm the only one in the world* whose dad is paying for their school fees, I'm so grateful, I'd give up all my organs for you. I'm not even exaggerating but I'm pretty sure that's the kind of "appreciation" my dad so badly needs. I find myself being rather sad when I'm at home. It's almost as if I'm expecting my parents to spit an insult at me, or just say something bitchy. The other two things that I was pissed about pales in comparison so I'll just summarise: (1) Nadia stained my emoji pillow with a pen, it was on accident so I'm not mad about that, but I'm mad that she insisted "later" when I asked her to go wash it now (This happened halfway through this blog entry)  and (2) I had a realisation earlier today that Farah will never return my headphones. I got them from work earlier this year and she just refuses to give it back claiming "You took my headphones, I take yours" - I used her purple headphones just a few times a year back probably and she decided to give it to me (great!) but now she thinks it immediately means my headphones are hers? I don't know, I can't even be bothered to argue about this. I have like 4 pairs of Apple earpods that I love so I don't really mind but, I'm just wondering why someone who always emphasizes on integrity would claim it to be hers when I never explicitly said she could have it. So yeah, the two points are like so whatever as compared to me feeling shitty and unsafe in my own home.

* I acknowledge that some people actually pay for their own education - I salute you

thx for reading ily

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