Strange World - Parachute

Sunday, September 20, 2015

This is going to be a quick blog entry because I want to try to finish my NUR1114 assignment today and get started on anatomy/physiology revision. I've been slacking so much. Anyway in nursing, a lot of emphasis is placed on reflection so I've been thinking more than I usually do, if that's even possible. I'm always thinking or overthinking shit. I've been thinking a lot about what a friend said and I told him that I think your self-worth lies with you. I feel like I should be "good enough" for myself, by my own standards. Nobody should be able to tell me what I'm worth. If I feel that I'm the very best version of myself and I'm good enough for myself, then that should be good enough for the people around me. 

Right now I'm struggling with self-hatred and it's difficult to get to the stage where I like myself or accept myself because I've been taught to hate my body or the way I am throughout my teenage years. I feel that it's extremely important to be okay with myself because then nobody can put me down. I hope I achieve that soon. You know that quote, "You can't truly love someone else until you love yourself." I personally find that stupid because I love hard and I love a lot and I've always loved other people more than I love myself so how can that quote be true? 

I've decided that I'm better than they deserve. They never admit their faults, they're always just pointing out mine. I'm a good person, I am. And I try to be better all the time. It's just sad that you choose to dwell on the bad stuff all the time. I think I deserve better than that. Do you even know what you're doing to me? You don't think... you never do. 

I'm miserable.
And I just want it to end.
I want to be happy.
... Don't I deserve that?

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